Jailbird

Huey del Fuego

These days, Dad’s wardrobe consists solely of double denim and flimsy white tennis shoes, but in 1984, after watching Jack Nicholson in Prizzi’s Honor, he sported pink and yellow blazers. Dad had a museum of cowboy boots – about 20 pairs ranging in color and animal hide, and he liked big gold rings and chains, and wore a gold bull around his neck.

But behind the curtain of Dad’s eccentricity, was a loving father, the evolution of a man who grew up in Hoboken projects, unattended by his mother, while his father spent his life in a sanitarium. He was one of nine children, but only kept in touch with one sister and a long-lost brother his mother had sold to neighbors.

Family meant everything to Dad. He enrolled my sister and me in an expensive Catholic school to ensure a good education, and went to church with Mom every Sunday, not because he was religious, but because it made Mom happy.

Dad ran a tight ship at home, and there were severe consequences for bad behavior. Once when I was sixteen, I snuck out of the house wearing a leopard-print tank top and leather miniskirt and hit a night club in Santa Monica, where I drank, danced and smoked cigarettes.

The next morning, Dad approached me, “Did you wear that outfit after your mother and I told you not to?” I loved him too much to lie. He walked away with disappointment in his eyes. It turned out his adult entertainment attorney had spotted me at the club. Two days later Dad sold my car and grounded me for six months.

In contrast to my flashy father was his business partner Mac whose steroidal frame stood 6’7″. Mac and Dad met while on the California Highway Patrol. Dad quit the force after a nasty motorcycle accident, and Mac was fired for accepting bribes. Later on, Mac brought Dad in as a partner to run his strip clubs in Los Angeles.

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Christmas with Phil Spector

The alarm went off at 4:45am on December 25th, 2009, but I had long been awake.  My flight from JFK to LAX touched down nine hours earlier.  I was tired, jet lagged, and anxious about the day ahead.  I had that “first day of school” feeling.  Mom fed the cat while my younger sister packed a cooler of refreshments for the day.

We took off in Mom’s car a little after 5:30am.

Usually, the family spent Christmases on the beach in Maui.  Now we visited Dad in prison.  Prison?  How did this happen?

The trip to the maximum security Corcoran Prison clocked in at 3 hours.  Having been turned away before, we called the prison visitor center hotline to make sure the inmates weren’t on lock-down.

Mom turned on the radio “To listen to traffic,” but it was really to drown out the silence.  We drove by Magic Mountain and I remembered the Free Fall ride from my high school trip, dropping 50 stories in half a second and leaving my stomach back at the top.  That’s how it felt driving to prison.

We made a pit stop at the county line in Bakersfield for one last restroom break: prison restrooms, even at the visitor center, typically had no toilet paper or soap.  I’d seen Himalayan out houses that were cleaner.

The only things visitors were allowed to bring in were money, an ID, car key and an unopened pack of tissues.  Sometimes I smuggled gum in my bra. Dressing for prison was a constant costume conflict, and I had to come prepared with a suitcase of clothes in the car. I liked to dress for the holidays. Years prior, I rented an Easter Bunny costume and wore it to visit Dad in jail. Oh jail. Life was so simple then.

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Take This Pole and Shove It!

Last week Sandy Banks, in her column, “Cheaters Run on Overdrive,” referring to the recent Tiger Woods and Jesse James sex scandals asked, “how such powerful, high-profile men could consort so carelessly with a procession of B-list porn stars, wackos and strippers. Weren’t their smart, beautiful wives enough?”

As a woman who grew up around strip clubs and is now a strip club owner, the short answer is: No.  They weren’t.

But what about the long answer?

I grew up in a close-knit family.  Mom was a nurse who often worked the late shift, and Dad, a former highway patrolman, began managing a strip club when I was eight years old.

In the early years my parents spoke about the club as cryptically as possible. “What do people do there, is there dancing?”  I asked Dad.  It was the 70’s, and I was obsessed with anything disco-related.  “There is a stage where people can dance,” he looked down sheepishly while my mom stood there, frozen.

While it began as a taboo subject, it later became a source of pride for my father.   Try as my parents did to shelter us, the day eventually arrived when Mom had to work, the babysitter canceled, and we had to celebrate our own version of Take Your Daughter to Work Day.

Dad laid out strict ground rules: We could tap dance on the stage, play Space Invaders in the arcade or drink Shirley Temples at the bar, but we had to stay out of sight in the back office once the doors opened.

We met dancers named Crystal, Amber and Destiny.  I could swear I met one named Jello, maybe it was Pudding.  But my favorite was Kelly, who looked a lot like our babysitter.

Kelly loved us like her own and made sure two young girls didn’t die of boredom while passing the hours upstairs in the back office. She asked about my cat Coco, complimented my Holly Hobbie doll.  We both loved The Bionic Woman.

Dad would fill me in on the dancers’ back stories.   Many were single mothers.  One even had a C-section scar.

Some things you hear about stripping are true: it’s a lucrative business, and a good stripper can earn more in a night than most of my friends do in a week.  Add to the formula single motherhood and limited career options, and it can start to make a lot more sense. It’s the stigma that makes it hard.
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Kitty Candy!

It was the summer of 86.  I had just graduated high school and was off to UC Santa Barbara in the fall.  Most of my friends were backpacking across Europe or taking hedonistic cruises to Mexico as their graduation gift.  “You’ll get a gift when you graduate college,” Dad stated.  My over-protective parents weren’t about to let me wander off overseas, so I took a full-time job locally with Western Temp Agency.

From the get go, they loved me.  I didn’t realize how easy it was getting a job if you had the least bit of common sense and typing skills.  Vicki and Patti were the two ladies that ran the small office that summer.  They told me stories of the applicants they’d get, lying about their skills.  “One guy lied about every job on his resume, it was unbelievable,” Patti told me.  “He even had fake references, did he not think I would check them?”  She was clearly insulted by the imposter temp.

I became their temp mule.  Whenever they got a big job, they sent me in, like the cleaner.  I worked across the San Fernando Valley as a secretary, getting job offers at most places I pranced through.

One day, after a long haul of Xeroxing at my Blue Cross gig, Patti called me to tell me that they landed a new client, Costco.  “We need you to go out there tomorrow and sell Almond Roca for the day.”  Sell Almond Roca? That was the stuff my old relatives in Jersey kept in candy dishes.

But wait, there’s more…

This Ain’t No Massage Parlor, Bob!

Yesterday morning I woke up, and had only one thing in mind — my acupuncture/massage combo.  After a long week, I was ready and eager for some TLC from Dr. Tsu.  I walked over to my acupuncturist’s office by St. Mark’s Place.  I had been seeing Dr. Lap Tsu now for about four years; just seeing her face made me more calm.  I was the first appointment of the day.  I laid down as Dr. Tsu asked me how I was doing, while she gently inserted needles into my head, chest and limbs.

“Ok,” I started.  “You sleep better?” she was always concerned.  “Sometimes, but the Bowery is so loud on the weekends.”  “Hmmm,” she said with a pensive look.

She turned the lights down and closed my curtain as I laid in silence for half an hour and relaxed.

Afterward, the massage therapist, a pleasant young woman, Cindy (her American name), came in.  “Hello, how you today?” She asked in a thick Chinese accent.  “Great, thank you,” I offered and she began kneading me immediately.   I laid there quietly face down on the table.  I was in Heaven.

Suddenly, the front door opened and the dangling bells jingled as another client came in.  He had made an appointment for a massage and specifically wanted a woman.  So Cindy stopped working on me as I lay there wondering what was going on and next thing I know, Owen steps in to take over.

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A Special Call Out to Huey del Fuego, R.I.P. Buddy.

Hello friends!  As my first post, I’d like to do a callout to Huey, my feathered life partner who died last year from cancer.  Miss you bud.

Dad bought Huey from Big Wally at the Jet Strip in 1984.  It took him a bit to warm up to me initially, but after a few months, we were fast friends.

Things Huey loved:

  • Popcorn, ice cream, pizza, hot dogs, celery and peanuts
  • Mimicking my laugh
  • Brushing his beak with his own tooth brush and mint toothpaste
  • Taking a shower with me
  • Walks in Central Park, where he’d say “hello” and “goodbye” to passers-by
  • Blonds
  • My makeup brushes
  • Birdbaths with the vaccuum on

Things Huey didn’t like so much:

  • Men
  • Birdseed
  • Dental floss
  • Being home alone
  • Skateboards
  • Loud music